When a woman in our community — a young, vibrant, kind, deeply spiritual, very loving mother of three young children — committed suicide in December, it tore a deep gash in the fabric of the many lives she had touched. As we gathered for her memorial, many of us were still in shock, not understanding how someone so precious and loved and loving could take her own life.

As a former teacher and a friend, I wanted to understand what had happened, what I could have done differently, what our community could have done differently. It was several posts on Raven’s page that guided me to more understanding of what she, and many others, was struggling with.

Raven had suffered from severe depression for years. She had tried to commit suicide previously. This time the temptation of a nearby gun was too great, her false belief too all-encompassing that everyone, including her kids and her new husband, would be better off without her.

As I re-read her final farewell Facebook post for a third time, and scrolled through her pictures and previous posts, I came upon a short article she had found and posted about depression. It described the numbness and hopelessness of depression, and posed the request: “Just sit with me. Hold my hand. Don’t try and talk. Just be with me.”

I wish that I had known when Raven emailed me two weeks before her death and asked about coming to our Winter Solstice ceremony, that she needed a friend, a hand, a heart. I wish that when she got lost on the way to the ceremony she had texted me for directions. I wish that when she didn’t show up on December 20th I had called her and asked how she was doing. I wish that instead of posting a farewell message on December 28th she had picked up the phone. We all wish many things. And I honor Raven’s choice.

There have been gifts from her passing. I’ve become dear friends with her best friends, who called me to hold space for her memorial. I’ve learned more about depression and suicide. I’ve talked to many friends who have struggled with depression, or who have had someone in their life who was suicidal or had committed suicide. I now have so much more compassion and patience and understanding for people who are struggling with depression.

My commitment to myself was not to dwell on the what if’s, but to focus on the gift that Raven was in my life for the brief time I knew her, and to support those affected by her passing. After her death my commitment to Raven was that I would help care for her children, whom I hold in my heart everyday. And that I would call a friend who was depressed and check in regularly. And that I would do my best to get the word out about depression and suicide and how we can help create a safety net for those struggling during their darkest times.

Clinical depression is not an easy fix with a “snap out of it!” attitude. Depression is not simply feeling bad, it is a complex physiological, biological, emotional, and spiritual issue that takes multiple approaches for healing. And it is possible to heal. It is possible to learn about your patterns and cycles and learn to witness them, and to step out of the downward spiral earlier in the cycle. If you struggle with depression, please get the support and guidance you need.

Below are a list of resources and books with ways to support someone who is depressed/suicidal. Whether you are someone who dances with depression or a friend/family member who loves them, please share your stories and resources in the comments, and know you are not alone, that you are not to blame, that you are precious.

Blessings,

HeatherAsh

IF YOU ARE SUICIDAL

Please call someone to talk to who can show up for you with compassion, hold your hand, be with you. 

There are numerous Suicide Hotlines to call; don’t hesitate to call whether you are feeling suicidal or supporting someone who is suicidal.

National Suicide Hotline:  1-800-273-TALK (8255)

Suicide Resources Online
www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org   National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

imalive.org  (IMAlive is a live online network that uses instant messaging to respond to people in crisis. A place you can “chat” if talking to someone on the phone is too overwhelming.)

www.suicide.org/suicide-hotlines  (lists hotlines by state and county)

Books

I Don’t Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression by Terrence Real

Reasons to Stay Alive or The Midnight Library By Matt Haig

Unfuck Your Brain by Faith Harper

The ACT Workbook for Depression and Shame by Patrick Fanning, Matthew McKay, and Michael Jason Greenberg

Accessing the Healing Power of the Vagus Nerve by Stanley Rosenberg

The Suicidal Thoughts Workbook by Kathryn Hope Gordon, PhD